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this is where you read about my life. day to day. sounds exciting doesnt it?
Thursday, January 23
i had a really good talk with michelle tonight. im happy. it was more of a personal nature. things im glad we could discuss. well, blogging came up. she told me that edmond asked her if she blogs for herself or for her fans. hah. thats really a good question.
ive thought about that and realized that ive become one of the many mindless drones that blabs on and on about irrelevant day to day happenings that, frankly, annoy even me. the fact that this is the way im portraying the inner me for the entire internet community, and more over, people who actually know me, to see also irks me. michelle said, today, that journal writing makes you a better writer, better at eloquently expressing yourself, and makes you more vocal. i completely agree with that. and the fact that all i do here is ramble on about what i ate that particular day is plainly beginning to bore me. but, i suppose theres always the hypocrisy issue with that. i mean, here i am. talking about what michelle told me today. ugh.
so i guess, i want to resolve to write more interesting and hmm i suppose, personal things in here that are really important to me. not recaps of what my daily tasks are but, things that i can look up later and actually reflect on. but in the same sense, i suppose my day to day activities are ineresting sometime, and show me, more clearly, the exact extent of how much time i am wasting everyday. hah, youd think id change. well, i keep dancing in circles with this topic. so, i guess il write about something else.
ive been spending alot more time with the boys lately and am extremely grateful for that. i enjoy their company and moreso, the insight that i can gain of the male species from observing their testosterone driven impulses. it is often hilarious i might add. and its a good change of pace for me too. you know what i mean? when everything gets all too boring and routine.. its nice to have a change and this is seriously a breath of fresh air for me. specifically, nicky. seriously, you are one of, if not, my best friend. i was talking to michelle today about our relationship and found myself saying things that i never even knew i truly felt. she told me how it was impossible, in a boy/girl close friendship, to not like that other person at some point. but, i plainly explained to her that i could never like neil, because i could never imagine myself wasting a friendship like ours by corrupting it with the superficiality of a high school crush. does that even make sense? honestly, before, i never really thought that neil and i were that close. but, the more i look at it-- the more he knows me, not as in my history and life story, but he knows me. the way i am, the way i think. and i think that its so important to me because the ability to understand another person in that way is something that can never be told or explained, but is rather something that is innate in character and something that requires a much deeper understanding. yeah. its strange. and you bastards can talk as much as you want. i really dont care.
feels like lately, everyone around me is talking so much. i hate it. talking about things like they know how i feel or what has happened. this is the case, especially with me and eugene. everyone keeps acting like all this behind-the-scenes action is going on, when in reality it is what it appears to be. i dont mind it when its close friends, and when its just teasing. but, otherwise, its totally unneeded. plus, people keep asking me why we dont talk at school. and i really dont know why. thats just the way it is. but, im thinking that maybe one of the reasons is because i wanted to avoid this-- all these third party assumptions. i just dont want things to go wrong. because, when people talk alot, it starts to make you question yourself. and i hate doubting myself. and in this case, i dont want to question what im doing.. or what anyone thinks of it. does that make sense?
argh. too much thinking. oh. i know why. im on my period. hah. let the damn estrogen flow and leave the girl alone. x)
Monday, January 20
okay. winter formal. it was fun ;) makes me smile when i think about it. haha. well. this was my evening, from start to finish:
_pre-dance
getting dolled up and all that good stuff used to be alot of fun for me. but, for some reason ive become very tom boyish recently. argh. maybe its the haircut. hahah *you notice i blame everything on the hair cut?? ;D well, anyway, i woke up around 10:30am and called liezl to ask what time i should go. she said around 12pm. so. i got in the shower and afterword, left the house. i made a quick stop at the swapmeet to see if i could pick up a wrap to go with my dress, but ended up not liking any of them. well, when i got to liezl's she was still working on celi and didnt even get to gel yet. so, i left again and went to run some errands. when i got back about an hour later everyone was still busy. so we just hung around for a while and talked and what not. liezls entire kitchen smelled like a salon and we were all busy doing each others hair/makeup/nails. it was fun and quite girly i might add :) haha. well, while i was getting my hair done, amanda went and picked up my boutonneire for me and finished touching up my makeup. i felt so pretty. hahah. well, on the way home i called nicky and he headed over to my house to meet me. hes such a good friend. :) heheh. he came over just to take a picture with me. :) haha. well, we played this really fun game online while i was curling the rest of my hair and getting ready to go. originally, jenni was going to take me to the grand because eugene was already there and couldnt come back down to get me, but, instead neil, the gentleman, brought me :)
_the dance: a moment like this
neil dropped me off in the front, after being a weirdo and making a u-turn around the drop off area >:P haha. well, i headed inside and i was actually kind of nervous! :( haha. im a loser. well, i walked into the place and saw the dance drill girls and the actual room. it was nice. and i saw eugene and his shaved head hahaha. i like it short x) well, after that i thought i was going to mope around until my friends came, but gail and brian came right away. so, that was a plus- that i wasnt alone. eugene gave me my corsage, which was very pretty. haha. but i took it off bcuz it was so itchy haha. well, niono on-- they played very well. especially considering the fact that not very many people in cerritos, or at least those that go to dances, are very open minded to the type of umm alternative music that they play. hmm. but i enjoyed it. hahhaha and so did gail. x) i was happy when eugene laughed at me on stage. mwahaha. well, one of the highlights of my evening was when jermoan came in with his mickey mouse fantasia thing on. lol. hes so funny x). umm. well, after words we danced and danced and sweated and stuff. haha. it was alot of fun. the dance floor was kind of small though. :P well, after a while me and eugene went outside to sit and breath fresh air haha. we danced outside and stuff too. it was like on tv! heheh i was happy >:] well, over all i had a lot of fun just hanging out and being with my date... ;) and eugene-- when you do corny stuff and i tell you youre gay, i really like it x) haha.
_going home
well, we left the grand and planned to go to gails house, but in attempts to get back to cerritos got quite lost. haha. it was fun though. and im sure EVERYONE that night got lost either on the way there or on the way back. well, at gails house everyone was just kind of sleepy and lazy.. so we decided to leave around 3am and go home. hmm, when i got home my cousins were over and watching "the leprechaun." eew. it was really gross and creepy. well, after eating some old pizza, i died on the floor with paulina and jenni. later, i woke up at 5am and crawled to my bed. my scalp hurt so bad that i took out all the twisties and what not in my hair. and i was being so lazy that i didnt even go get scissors to cut out the rubber bands, but instead just pulled everything out by hand. argh.
that was my complete evening. well not necessarily everything. mwahaha ;) but, i had a very nice time. :) thanks eugene.
well, i slept until 11am this morning and went to drop off my cousins and get some food. came home around 1/2pm and fell asleep on the couch until 6:30pm. im so lazy! when i woke up, i called neil and told him about my evening and talked to him about the english project and some recent disapperances. argh. well, now.. i must do my load of homework :P
Thursday, January 16
hmm been quite busy lately. as well as quite absent from school. hah. really though. i didnt go to school on thursday, friday, or monday. and on wednesday i went to school extremely late. argh. whatever. im really tired of all this stuff. school and what not. i know that it should be my priority... but its so hard to care. and i know that this is everybody's senior rant, but i REALLY dont like school.
today i got my senior pictures FINALLY. i think that has to be the most unflattering picture ive ever taken in my entire life. lord. what the hell is wrong with me. when i say this people think im being modest, but im REALLY REALLY NOT photogenic. in fact, im the total opposite of photogenic.. if theres even a word for that. argh. whatever.
anyway, our english project turned out to be a bust today. i had a hunch that we werent going to go today and indeed we didnt. ugh. but i guess plain and simple we didnt have everything together. well, everything that we needed for that matter. but, im sure if we shape up the entire thing by tuesday we can get 100percent -10percent so.. a 90 percent. which is still an a. damn strait. well, if not, the walkie talkies are really fun to play with. hah. fun. over and out.
well. i need to make a list of things that i need to do this weekend. just for myself.
friday, january 17, 2003
; **buy boutonniere for agapete. ;]
; **DRESS SHOPPING WITH THE MOM.
; work on written part of othello/tartuffe project *if i have time
; wash car
; clean living room + my room
; re-put up posters
; finish all hw for the weekend so i can HAVE FUN [spanish oral!]! ;)
; plan PAMMY + JOHNNY WEEK!
saturday, january 18, 2003
; **DRESS SHOPPING [??]
; call amanda and schedule make up appoint *tell her what i want!! ;)
; ask liezl about hair stuff *what i need??
; LIEZLS BIRTHDAY BBQ [2pm-whenever]
; clean clean clean!
; SPANISH ORAL!
; pammy + agapete movie night[??] ;)
sunday, january 19, 2003
; ***WINTER FORMAL! :) im really excited!
; get hair + make up done [BY 4:30ish]
; pictures? ;P
; ** ;]
monday, january 20, 2003
; work on english project like crazy!!
; spanish oral!!
; sleep in ;)
; plan PAMMY + JOHNNY WEEK!
; enjoy the long weekend!
.. okay..i think thats it! .. over and out!
Tuesday, January 14
argh. lately ive been someone who im not. not like relationship wise. as in ME wise. this doesnt really make sense to other people. but yeah. hmm. its just that lately ive been slacking off A LOT... a lot more than i used to anyway. its like the resolution for not finishing hw is just staying home from school. im failing all of my classes practically. i havent been to school for about 3 days. and im really sick right now too. feels like everything is just really crappy. like my entire being just gave up.
but at the same time it feels like something or someone is testing me. to see how much i can handle and to see if i will take the initiative to fix what has gone to shit. and for once i think i am. im usually not one to change or much less initiate a change-- especially in myself. but, seriously, for my own good i need to REALLY start working hard.. not just at school, but in a whole lot of aspects of my life. i guess only then will i be satisfied with what kind of person i am. hmm. and i guess personal satisfaction is something that i see very little of..
argh. procrastination is my middle name. well, actually its not. but, it should be. :\ man, im up right now memorizing my spanish oral [which i did pretty fast, if i might say so myself] and starting this english write up that i hope wont take me too long. and my throat is killing me.. sometimes its that stinging kind of hurt but usually its the sore feeling when youve coughed too much. damn. i hate this. but im used to it, because im sick all the damned time. ahh!. oh well, im not THAT sleepy tonight either. but, i think after i finish this, ill take a one hour nap. *sigh.
i was listening to my incubus cd, as i so often do, in my car.. and i was listening to the song *mexico.. it always reminds me of my mom.. argh. kind of sad.. i suppose.
"You could see me reaching,
So why couldn't you have met me half way?
You could see me bleeding
And you would not put pressure on the wound.
You only think about yourself...
You only think about yourself...
You better bend before I go
on the first train to Mexico..."
well. i guess usually it reminds me of her as in, it makes me feel that way toward her. but when i was listening today. i was thinking about how much she actually feels that way toward me and my sister. hmm. right-- weird. if you know me, know me. i think youd understand.
hmm. i did my winter formal contract today. haha. im excited. i havent even bought a dress yet though. argh. once again. procrastination. hmm. and just for the record. me and eugene are NOT going out x) haha. and were not married either. x)
ahhh. well i think i should go to sleep. well. actually, go to nap. haha. damn. i hope i actually wake up this time.. unlike last night when i was supposed to wake up at 4 to do my oral and instead woke up at 645 with a fever. man, i was seriously delirious this morning. i dont really remember what happend. haha. ahhhhh.
Thursday, January 9
taking a break from the massive homework explosion that has now become my life. ugh, my own fault though. damnit. well, i suppose i can spill about some more personal, or detailed, things that i was, not necesarrily hoping to get out, but more over, tired of keeping in. hmm. wait a second. just realized how much whining i do. oh well. yeah whatever bitch, i dont care what the hell you think anyway! proceed with whine-age:
[1] my and neils "fight." haha. wednesday night. what a night indeed. a lot of shit went down. on a wednesday night for christ sake. damn. well, i suppose i had a right to be angry..he was literally mad at me for no reason. or.. no apparent reason that is. but at the same time, i realized [after] what a good friend neil really is. and how much he is really growing on me. hah. and anyway, people always have the right to massively suck.. :) hah. but thats what happens to friends. they argue and get over it. and some friends even write you an apologetic email. haha. :) youre still my pal.
[2] my talk with mike about boys. haha. or i guess-- boy. man. i get so embarrassed. i dont know why. im usually not one to be girly or overly emotional. but, i swear. even now as im writing this im starting to blush. x) its not like im in love.. because ive been into all that crap. and thats what it is to me now.. crap. im just trying to.. hmm have fun? no.. thats not what i mean. but, i just want to take things as they come.. i dont know. argh. i cant explain it. i feel like a dork whenever i talk about this kind of stuff. especially because ive grown so unaccustomed to it.. ahhhh! im so embarrassed. ill stop now.
[3] i read a poster at the mall. it said something along the lines of:
The Tooth Fairy..
The Easter Bunny..
Your Imaginary Friend..
Daddy..
When kids stop seeing these they tend to stop believing in them.
man, *right here man... *pointing to heart. [or raidiating black hole where heart is supposed to be] ahh.
i have a bunch of hw to do. and i have to wake up at approximately 5:30 am to get all the things done that i have planned. shit. shit shit shit. haha. basketcase just came on the radio mwahaha. "i went to a whore. she said my lifes a bore. so quit my whining cause. it's bringing her down." hahah. whore.. argh. [sarcasm]now to the wonderful world of hw [/sarcasm]
i just changed the template ;) woOo. i Y it! i liked the orange one too. but, the html codes for that one were all messed up. this one, on the other hand, is much neater. hehe. so bye bye pixesticks// citrus flavored. and hello wintergreen ;)
wow. ive thought about this quite a bit and came to the realization that my mom knows VERY little about me. or more over, what i do everyday. i mean, yesterday i went to the mall after school to go to this "job interview" sort of thing. and came home and waited for people to come over for a surprise birthday party. hmm. she didnt even know. and they stayed here and stuff happend. and when she came home she had no idea.
and today i ditched school. just because i feel like crap. and she didnt know either. i came home too. hah. whatever.
well, im feeling pretty crappy right now actually. my throat hurts alot and i have a god damned MUN conference to go to on friday [tomorrow] too. shit. on the plus side though, it should be fun. i mean, spending time with the girls and boys.
im hungry now. havent eaten all day.
Saturday, January 4
argh. what a new year it has been. on new years day i happend to go out with my dad *without my sister because she had the flu.. it was odd. when i got in the car, i smelled the familiar cigarette ashes and saw him the same... but for some reason it felt so weird. hmm. when i got into the car, he said "i have to talk to you about your insurance stuff" so.. right at that i knew that the evening was not going to be quite as pleasant as i had hoped.. *hah as if my outings with him are that pleasant to begin with. argh. well. yes. i was SO nervous about calling the insurance guy.. but its okay now. well, what was that... wednesday?
thursday i had cotillion practice up the ass!! ahh! it was SO hectic and SO MUCH practice i thought i was going to collapse... this was my schedule:
[9am-1pm] waltz/modern practice @ heritage -- SOOOOOOO HOT!
[1pm-2pm] lunch!
[2pm-3pm] waltz/modern practice
[5pm-9pm] dress rehersal @ the radisson hotel
[9-pm-12am] practice song/help diana with programs
ahhh.. it was SO hectic. and the 3 hr break that we had in between was not very productive. so, first me and neil leave practice when it ends, telling johnny that we'll meet him at the mall bcuz we both need to exchange stuff. then, we go to neils house and he picks up the stuff he needs to exchange. then, we head over to my house to call my insurance guy, to pick up the stuff i need to exchange, and so i can change my sweaty clothes! ;P when we get back into the car me and neil realize that its 4 o clock already and johnny was waiting at the mall!!!! ahhhhh.. by the time we got there, he was gone.. and we had no way to contact him because his phone went bye bye in the snow. damn. after we exchanged the stuff i went to sing a long with emierald and johnny to get the cd we needed.. i felt so bad. but he seemed okay with it. hmm that night we had dress rehersal at the radisson and everyone was starting to get a little nervous. i then went back to emis house to practice the song and ended up helping diana fold and tie together the programs. ;) when i got home i was DEAD tired.
friday was exciting but nerve wracking at the same time. around 10:30 i went to get my hair done by liezl ;) it was fun. haha. and it came out really cute. we sat around and waited for val and diana. michelle and amanda also came by to drop off an outfit for liezl to wear that night :) hmm. afterword, i left to go to the mall and exchange the stuff i couldnt on thursday. and who do i see but-- MY DAD!.. eeww. so weird. hah. okay. then, i start heading to my house.. by this time its about 3 o clock and were all supposed to be at dianas *completely ready* by 4. on the way home neil calls me and tells me to go to his house. i parked my car on his drive way bcuz i was going to spend the night in the hotel and didnt want to drive there, and couldnt park my car on the street. so we get all ready and johnny comes by around 410 to pick us up and he says that he needs to make a "quick stop." we waited for around 30 minutes and started to think that it was some cruel pay back for the mall thing. haha. so were about 45 minutes late and instead of going to dianas call, i call her and tell her were going strait to the radisson.
DIANA'S DEBUT was REALLY NICE! the place turned out really nice.. and the decoraions were really pretty. and the WALTZ was REALLY GOOD! :) we didnt even mess up!! hahah ;) well.. not anything major anyway.. hMm modern was also fun... and so was singing. haha.. it was a good night and we got alot of positive feedback:) i hope diana enjoyed it as much as we did! a few of us in the court ended up staying in the hotel. hmm. it was a fun night. we went on a Dennys search at 3 in the morning. damn. whats wrong with those people? haha. hmmm. did some light drinking. me, johnny, eli, and neil decided to just stay up because everyone was in the sleepy room and steves snoring scared us hahaha. hMm. so we played cards and told ghost stories. x) i got scared because you know what hides in corners?? ;P hahah. so we slept for about an hour.. 7-8ish. and johnny and neil decided to come home. so we dragged ourselves out of the room and went home. hmM. i was so sleepy.. haha. so i came home and slept until 4 in the afternoon. hah. and now. i think ill go out and play :) but the only thing i need is someone to play with >;]
Wednesday, January 1
happy new year to me! ;)
ive started thinking.. or rather looking back on what a year 2002 actually was. i spent alot of my time taking things as they came rather than taking the chance to seize opportunities. ive often sat back and let things come to me rather than going out and getting them. i think that is one of my new resolutions-- [1] to be more ambitious. well, this year.. ive learned alot. more about myself than anything. i spent a lot of time alone, or more over feeling alone in the decisions that i made. i think know that i grew up alot and really became a stronger person. i went through a lot of hardships a couple of years ago and it really took me until now to fully mend and realize how much better i deserve. i know that in this past year i realized my self worth more than anything. it took me so long to understand how much i actually am deserving of happiness in terms of my spiritual satisfaction and i truly think i am still learning. hmm... ive always been so indecisive but in this past year.. ive held my ground more than ever before. good for me. :)
on the downside, i know that my relationships have suffered quite a bit. with my dad especially. maybe its the whole deal with getting the car or whatever. but, i really cant say. that is my other resolution-- [2] try to build a better relationship/spend more time with daddy. hmm. my mom too. i think our relationship has really just gone on the fritz. its been bi-polar for a while now but has, in this past year, really begun to show its true dysfunctional nature. this past year-- in this last month actually, i literally gave up all hope in my mom and our relationship-- just in the whole aspect of her being a "mother" to me. i desperately hung on... but i just gave up.. but thinking about it now [3] i whole heartedly vow to change that this year. i want to put my trust in her more than anything and hopefully.. shell see it and do the same with me.
in terms of school.. academics has seriously been one of my last priorities.. which is not usually the case with me. so that is another one of my resolutions [4] dont half-ass school work and what not anymore really do it and make an effort. itll pay off in the end.
hmm in terms of my relationships with boys x) -- this year, im finally more open to the idea of liking people again. as pathetic as that may sound. i really shut myself away and deterred myself from emotionally getting involved or getting involved period for that matter, with the opposite sex for a long time. but now, i think my heart is finally ready. and im ready-- to not take things so seriously and just basically enjoy the moments as they happen :) .. but, then again i always have those lapses where i get scared.. maybe because im not really used to all this again. and honestly, because of my past experiences, i shut away all these seemingly familiar emotions. but that, on the other hand, adds to the excitement of it.. the fact it gives me butterflies all over again. hmm.. so i guess, this year [5] i plan to leave my heart open and willing to accept the new emotions that i have yet to feel, as well as allow my self whole heartedly to feel emotions that i was once scared to express; to be open with my feelings and not such a dork x).
and lastly, my remaining resolutions are as follows:
[6] in 2003, i really resolve to manage my time wisely and take advantage of the free time i have-- to NOT procrastinate
[7] to love my sister more :)
[8] to enjoy the simpler things in life
[9] to learn how to budget my money >:\
[10] to really take the time to appreciate my friends for all theyve given me, big and small
[11] to make my bed everyday
[12] to clean up REGULARLY gasp! including:
+ laundry
+ dishes
+ living room
+ bathroom
+ my room
[13] to re-read the harry potter books for leisure
[14] to do and actually understand calc homework
[15] to put my 100% effort in everything that i do
[16] to accept my failures as a part of life
[17] to finish unpacking all the boxes from when we moved! x)
[18] to stop being addicted to coca cola ;P
[19] to stop having preconceived notions about people/stop gossiping (as much) ;]
[20] to stop using the computer/internet so much
[21] to participate more in ASB
[22] to stop taking things for granted
[23] to make the best of senior year
[24] to wear my retainers regularly!
[25] to learn to cook
[26] to learn more about my religion
[27] to speak more thai
[28] to write in my offline diary more often
[29] to take more pictures
[30] to love life MY life & myself
i know that i wont be able to keep ALL of these resolutions-- but i PROMISE that i will try. and hopefully, this year wont be as turbulent as last year, but will, at the same time, bring more knowledge, growth, and happiness. and hopefully, ill be able to open my eyes, more than ever, to this world that i barely know.
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